it baffles me how time is lost, just like that, based on assumptions, silent accusations, and hearing from the who and who of those who knew who and who did this and that and who thought that who and who was like this and that.
i was looking for a clip for weisong to help him for mothers day and i came upon a trove of memories. poignant, for i am wiped out of someone's life for something i didnt do, didnt say, didnt commit. i am no longer someone special, to whom i was once of. i was substituted promptly, washed away and pushed to nothingness like something that ought to be forgotten, that shouldnt be seen and brought into the future.
jiayi wrote something in her blog once once, and it touched me. she said something along the lines of how she feels 'unjustified because no one takes time to understand wynnie more'. it sort of brought a little pain and tears to my eyes because it was like a blow to my guts. simple and hard headed this little girl is, she knew me, and bothered to.
i read once how people feel sometimes that its hard to understand certain women (or people in general), because we are too 'complicated'. we have such an abyss of feelings thoughts and dreams within us that sometimes it confuses even ourselves. some people would just brand us plain troublesome, or dismiss us indirectly or directly for being 'emotional' or 'oversensitive'. having been a part of this stereotype for some time it moved me whenever God whispers into my heart 'youre important'. 'i know what you're thinking, inside, outside, even before a thought was form and before the word was uttered on your lips. best of all, i understand, and i will be with you and hold you'. do you know how, how liberating it is, to know that you're understood, believed, trusted, to know that someone supports you?
Why? Because now, I'm a very busy person, with lots of things to do that I have no time for anything else. I will not have time to have impromptu lunches and dinners who whoever's looking for company. I will not have time for a listening ear when you are down in the middle of the night. I will not be able to have fun, laugh with you, go crazy with you, or just sit down and talk with you in a nice park, or just watch the afternoon pass us by as we enjoy people together in a coffee joint.
Have you made me who I am by assuming I am like that? Or have you even tried?
Someone asked me something about someone before. What makes you think he's telling the truth? What makes you think that..he's not lying to you again? And I said, i got to learn to trust him, even when its hard, when its all within my nature and mind to get paranoid, nervous and skeptical.
Someone asked me what I'm gonna do about a certain someone who hadnt been pretty nice to me. Maybe i can work with him again and write a long exceptional report against him now! Or be superbly bitchy.. i must let the whole world know about his underhanded working methods... Well. no...... no..
It strucks me how life is fragile, how we are all so intricate, simple or complicated. Life is so special. it'd be a shame to lace it with bitterness and discord. I want my heart to be soft and tender, vulnerable even in the midst of a harsh, cold world. It isnt', sad to say. There would always be bad memories tainting my soul, disheartening moments that pulls at my heart. But now, when I'm beaten and battling, i wanna learn how to cry. I wanna say Im weak.. and I need You. I want You to protect me and be my refuge. I want You to pull me close to yourself when I'm running away... and keep me safe.
And today, I wanna thank some amazing people in my life;
- Jiayi, who was faithful with the room bookings and bothered to call up the admin ppl for me to finalise and check on the bookings. (even though i know you dont like talking to strangers... i really really appreciate that!) and because of her, i had tonnes of rooms booked at the timings i need for mothers day. we dont need to use the noisy and warm esplanade dance space anymore! shuz, for arranging her schedule to help me out for my rehearsals, and for doing her best to be there for me even though she's not versed in drama. for listening to me rant and get unreasonable, demanding and emotional.
for my friends in school who's been such dears...especially fifi and eh hem, jarrylll..(who would rather be shot dead than be reading this) for making my new class thats still fairly strange, so much more bearable :) did i mention i absolutely MISS the girlies??? Grace, Menreet, Alicia, Andrea Joce Fifi housewarming on fri!!!! I cant wait to tan and swim and exploit Alicia's condo facilities! whee!
for coming down to my house with strawberry ichigos. though you have absolutely no idea what they are, nor tasted them before.
for my mommy... Whee!!!! she washed changed, went down and came up again with dinner for me before going off to meet her friends for dinner even though it was inconvenient for her. she was rattling on and on about how troublesome i am before she left and even asked me to get my own!. But see. She loves me i know! haha.
Little t hanksgiving sessions like me makes me feel a whole lot better. God is good :))
you can tell us things, you know wynnie, we'll listen to you. the girlies love you, i hope you wouldnt feel so troubled anymore ): *huggies* you make me look forward to class!
: 12:22 AM