You feel like you're surrounded by so many people and there is always something that is constantly not right. It feels as if you are living a life that is not yours. It feels perfect. You are brimmed with a bittersweet uncertainty. It is like a dream you want to keep on dreaming even when you know you need to wake up eventually. Why do I feel that I've ventured into another world that I've wished so hard for yet cannot believe.
After thinking for the whole night, I realised I've never let myself be vulnerable to you before. I'm always acting, putting on a tough, strong front when I'm crumbling inside at the words you said, the things you did. Maybe that is why I have never let myself believe in your promises fully. I refuse to put down the shield around my heart. I make myself into the woman I think you want me to be while I keep myself silently hidden away, buried under lots of self control and determination to be 'perfect' for you. Still, knowing every moment that I am not and will never be. I stopped myself from sinking into your arms everytime you hold me because i dont want to imagine the pain I might feel if you were to let go. I disallowed my heart to be contented at your whispers of love and promises of commitment. I constantly prepare myself to wake up from a dream, to get use to the illusion of beauty and fantasy before it will eventually leave me.
It felt painful that I did not feel the pain when you hurt me again.
God, stop the desensitization.
I made up my mind to do something which i've been wanting to do for quite some time yet am hesitant now after reading something. For someone who's never been entrusted with much, it is something to me.
On a lighter note, can my computer go to woodbridge already? It's crazy!
My hp died on me promptly twice today and sent two SMSes prematurely causing me to retype the entire thing and to waste another 10cents just to resend the full msg to my recepients. It gets to me alot when I have to push the buttons 3 times before i am brought into MENU.
Let me hope the hp deal with my surprise secondary school classmate falls through!
