you are extremely special to us. :))

<3>

18 more days becore sch reopens.

I've been told not to look back, not to dwaddle on my past and sit in the shadow of my memories. i know i need to do this, to free myself from the darkest times of my life and look ahead, see hope. i know if i keep turning back and accusing myself of things that i've let happen, or helplessly watched happened, i would fall flat on my face one day and destroy all that i have right now, all that i am building, all the pieces that are picking up by itself, and the amazing efforts you have tenderly put in. i have to stop letting snippets of betrayal, lost and condemnation from the past flood me during the lonely nights and seize me cold and unaware. i still cant bring myself to be completely happy and contented now because im not sure if all this is still real. or would it turn back one day and mock at my naivetty ? i am bringing the times of resignation when i am left cold and abandoned, the desolate despair of a fantasy dashed cruelly and almost mockingly by someone who didnt even care. the emotions are so vivid it still stings at my memory. you said let go, and im very happy as long as i push these thoughts aside. but how long can i continue pushing? it's not about you. its about me. the need to ask for freedom, to ask someone more able than myself to free me from bitterness and disbelief. i am making myself do all the right thing, and im happy i did. but theres something there thats never been resolved, never been enlightened. I need to break out of that.

Jesus.

15Therefore, "they are before the throne of God and serve him day and night in his temple; and he who sits on the throne will spread his tent over them. 16Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them, nor any scorching heat. 17For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes." Rev 7:15-17