Thursday, February 23, 2006
closeness,emptiness
i kinda semi swore (no, promised, no, argh) that i would nv blog anything serious on blogs. I mean, after the whole hooohaa about the racist blogger(s) saga + lecturers with stealth tendencies to bloggedyhoppedyhop + the whole internet is becoming a globalisation of whatever whatever and a media that can send & receive quick feedbacks, with less control and censorship (shut up wynnie, medsoc exam's not till the 28th), it'd be plain silly to pour your heart out in a public domain where people can wag their fingers at you irresponsibly and pass frivolous shallow judgement and render us helpless to defence. so you see, i dont like bloggy nonsense. i read stuff to entertain myself. like this or this. watching'em fight is cute. i like surfing cutenessoverload and go gaga over kittens and puppies and rabbits and donkeys (the latter not true). So yup.
BUTTTTT
i feel so emo today and i gotta blog about my emo-ness. :(
i had an outpour of guilt. you know the kind that just engulfs you while you are sitting down, doing nothing in particular? i dont know. the many many things ive done, not done, not yet done, need to do. they just came to my memory in a gush.
randomness again. i dont know why. it is as if my home is a cell of resonating emptiness. a chamber of all the secrets, well hidden pains and where the women come home nursing their own wounds after fighting ferocious worldly battles. i was watching my mom settle down almost awkwardly on the sofa after passing me my dinner cum supper. she took off her shoes slowly, almost painfully, before walking towards the balcony to check on the animals. i dont know. there and then, in her loud colorful clothes, pretty accessories and carefully applied makeup, i felt for the first time, almost sorry for her. the woman who caned me merciless, lash out at me in cool, unrelenting anger, the one whom i hurtfully told that i dont remember her mothering me at all. there, just now, i felt, sorry. it was as if, for the first time in my entire life, i saw my mom, vulnerable and in need of love. and i felt for the first time, that i need to love this woman who has been living with me for the past 18 years, and whose been giving me all the hard times but also silently and faithfully providing for me despite her sharp and malicious tongue. there, i need to, and i want to.
it is very strange and ironic. how two women who needs love, companionsihp, whos tied to each other in the closest , blood-related way, whos experiencing a tumult of similar emotions and feelings, who loved and lost the same man, though in a very different but similarly unconditional way, is so far away, when we are in rooms just a wall apart. the mother is next door. what is she thinking? what is she feeling? what is she going through.. ? i never bothered to ask. why did i blame her for not bothering too? maybe we need each other, just silently.
enough emo stuff said.
♠ wynnie 1:17 AM
