I still think my life is laced with bitterness and unhappiness. I am very affected by circumstances, secretly very vulnerable to failures. It has been getting so easy to resign myself to defeat and give in helplessly, not lifting up my eyes to the creator. But you know, when so many things start to engulf you and eat you up in tiredness and weary bitterness, it is just...simply... so hard.
Sometimes I wish I havent been such a 'smart' kid to be begin with. I used to top my class in Primary school and was entrusted with many good prefectorial responsibilities and I walk away year after year with achievements and awards. I wonder what made my mind tick as a child. How I found the motivation and calling towards my homework and exams. My secondary school days werent as good. I was the occassional scorer. I did well in some but never in some others. My teachers used to encourage me by telling me I have potential, but I am just either not putting in as much effort or simply not performing up to expectations.
Where did the selfmotivation and strong focus go? My academic life has been a downhill struggle since I stepped into adolescence. Maybe its the degeneration of the mind!!!?!?! Maybe my braincells are disintegrating and decomposing into rotted mush. :( like, spoilt. hmm. It is frustrating how I know i can grasp concepts, come up with good arguements and ideas, throw them out verbally but never able to put it down in paper and pen or write a decent, organised answer in my exam/test sheets.
I miss the SN environment. though i know i have not been much of a friend back then to some, i genuinely love the teachers, the studying environment, and the sincerity of it all. I do not remember seeing any competiveness, manipulation, or false humility, which I am so sick and tired of now in Mass Com. If i could turn back time I would definately do everything in a different way. I would not give my teachers such a hard time, be a better friend, and work harder regularly, put in more effort into my weaker subjects.
I think we really have excellent lecturers in Mass Com. I am impressed, sincerely, by their sharpness and vigilance. No escaping from homework and bullshitting our way through like in high school. You either do or die. You can 'smoke' your way through, nto even with fantastic excuses. All good excuses just become lame. But i just dont like how we are not given the benefit of the doubt when the situation arises. We dont want to score badly on purpose. It is not like we enjoy making a fool of ourselves by not understanding what is taught in class or not grasping new concepts as fast as others. We honestly thought what we came up with was fine and even potentially good!! Or so we thought. Till we were gunned down and told our idea sucked. I feel so so sucky. I made a resolution to give my best to my work but it just seems like in times like this it is not up to you to define how well you can do. No matter how hard I tried, I just sucked. sighs.
So much for pessismistic rants. It has been a bad week and we have so much shit to do and rush for our next consultation. Maybe dear Jesus can come down and shine His merciful light of enlightenment and anointing on my head. I really dont mind if my hair becomes oily Jesus. Just come pour the anointing! I can always Rejoice! (pun seriously...not intended) LEt our webgraph 'fan bai wei sheng'!!! (turn over from defeat to victory, YEAHHH!!!)
haha. ok. I think im gonna be late for locvid. Coming into 2006 with a heart of thanksgiving? Maybe that is exactly what I need to do, not only give thanks when stuff's going on good but when stuff's in the dumps as well. no prob God i get the drift! yayyyyy!!! (smiles try! )
Comments:
we can do it dear! dun give up:D hugs! we'll be the best, and u bet thats gonna come true(:
: 11:13 PM